Cheesecake//Heaven…And everything in between

I fucking love cheesecake so much

Cheesecake (if you’ve never had it) is probably one of the most delicious things ever given to us by what I can only assume is God.

God to me is everything I don’t understand

I don’t understand the deliciousness of cheesecake
And I don’t fucking want to
You know what they say
Ignorance is bliss
And in this fucking case
It’s fucking true
The less I know about a cheesecake
The better
All I care about
Is

Taste
Texture
Temperature

The 3 T’s to my cheesecake

Cheesecake tastes like if I was in heaven
And I was at a party
Like a wicked rager in heaven
Which I can only assume
Is the best fucking rage you’ve ever been to in your
Entire fucking life

And so

I’m in heaven and we’re getting
Fucked up
Cause if heaven is whatever I want it to be
I want to get fucked up

A lot

And never feel bad about it
Or feel sick
Or hungover
I can just get as fucked as possible
Without consequences

So we’re getting fucked up in heaven
Taking all sorts of
Premium Drugs
And like me and this angel take
Too much acid or something
And we’re fucking tripping
And the angel
Poops in my mouth
That’s what cheesecake tastes like
It’s fucking amazing

November 5th, 2014

Some people talk too much
It’s simple as that
Some people think they have things to say but really they have nothing to say at all

Like, no I don’t know that I want to know what you did today
Not if it entails like any modicum of bullshit
Not if you’re gonna make it sound like you did something that was just so absolutely fantastic
Cause you didn’t
You know that right? You didn’t do anything fantastic

What did you do today

You learned how to use excel?
Cool
Fucking cool
You’re so fucking cool
Good for fucking you man
Do you actually think
ANYONE
gives a fucking shit?
Excel?
Do you think when the world ends anyone’s gonna give a shit if you can use Excel?

No
Cause that shit don’t exist when the world ends
Unless you mean you have a way to excelorate you ass out of any like
Dangerous situation that arises when the world end
I don’t fucking know

Stop trying to fill the space with bullshit

People like to do that.
People like to fill silence with shit
As opposed to just enjoying the silence
You know how coveted silence is?
“Finally, a little peace and quite”
People say that
And they mean it
They mean
“Wow there’s nothiing important enough going on right now for anyone to be making any noise about
That rarely ever happens.
That’s kinda nice”

Because all fucking day we hear noise
Noise Noise Noise
Especially here
Especially in the city

You know who did something today?
Someone who like flew a plane through a storm
A fireman
The president
Someone who killed someone
These are people whi did something that I might wanna hear about.

Not you

Let;s talk about something else

Not what you did
How you feel

How are you?

Is that so hard to ask or talk about?

November 1st-2nd, 2014

30 minutes
30 Days
Perhaps

Yesterday was Saturday, November 1st, 2014. All Saints Day. An old friend’s birthday that for some reason I always remember. Probably because it’s such an easy date to remember.
November 1st always reminds me of high school. I know that we always had All School Mass on All Saints Day. I don’t know exactly what All Saints Day is but I think it’s pretty much in the name. It’s a day for all saints. They all already get a day that’s theirs (to be shared with other saints though because there’s just too many of them…I just tried Googling “How many saints are there” and of course got a bunch of convoluted answers. But apparently the short answer is over 10,000. I suppose in like the history of the world this is a pretty exclusive club given the way human population works but it seems a little overcrowded by my standards. Like if the saints get some sort of VIP room in Heaven, by now it doesn’t feel so VIP anymore. Like when they start letting black guys into Country Clubs…”What’s this guy the saint of? Stomach Cramps!! Aw fuck me I gotta go. I don’t understand this place anymore” that’s a quote from St Francis of Assisi. I read it on a Buzzfeed quiz. Which Dead Saint Quote Are You?)

Anyway so yesterday I woke up on the couch. I had drank heavily the night before and ended up there. I hate falling asleep on the couch but not as much as I hate having to get up if I’ve fallen asleep on the couch. So needless to say the couch always wins. I think I slept in a sitting position from about 11PM – 2AM and then finally laid down. I woke up drooling. Super cute.

I grogged around for a while. Ate some leftover pizza. I guess by some I mean the rest of the pizza I didn’t eat the night before. Let’s not cut cards. Whenever I order a pizza there’s some weird OCD thing that exists in my head that says I have to eat it within 24 hours. I think that’s called “Overeating.” Who knows.

Ate the pizza. Watched some Golden Girls. The episode where Rose’s sister comes to visit and she’s a total bitch to Rose. Doesn’t invite her to anything, constantly hanging out with Blanche and Dorothy and then she sleeps with Blanche’s boyfriend. What a ho. I didn’t see the resolution but I hope they kicked her out on her ass. There was also a B story line that involved Sophia mixing up 2 giant dogs and then Rose figuring out which one was which by calling its name? I don’t know. As a die hard Golden Girls fan, I have to believe I’m missing a part of that plot because it’s extremely inconsistent to have Sophia not be smarter than Rose. Whatever, I’m sure I’ll see it again before I die to clarify.

After Golden Girls I signed on to my work computer to do work. Work sucks right now. Works sucks all the time but it really sucks right now. I don’t feel like I have a lot of time to think about my own life. And that really makes me feel discontent. That’s the best word I can think of for that.

I worked most of the day. Really the rest of the day. I didn’t really stop looking at my computer until 9 o’clock. I showered in there too. (Not in the computer. I didn’t shower in the computer. I showered in the span of time otherwise known as “the day.”) Definitely spent some time browsing the internet. Watched American Horror Story which feels kinda calm this year. Or maybe it just feels really sad? That show always makes me feel extreme emotions. It tires me out.

One of my roommate’s best friends came over. We all went to school together. It was nice to see her but it also made me realize how impersonable I feel when I’m always thinking about work. It’s always stressing me out because I always think I’m not doing something and someone is mad about it. When my head’s in that space all the time it’s hard to concentrate on the people and things that are in front of me. Frustrating.

They left to go to a Halloween party. Dressed as Wayne and Garth. I finished working and walked to Walgreen’s to buy some Epsom Salts to soak my feet because I think that’s what I’m turning into. An aging man who needs things like Epsom Salts readily on hand for any home remedies to cure his ailments.

Came home and soaked my feet. It felt good.,

And then I fell asleep in my bed this time.

Today was November 2nd, 2014.
I woke up thinking about The Glass Menagerie. To be fair I’ve been thinking about that play a lot recently. Mostly not thinking about the play, but thinking about a funny joke I heard that I’ve been trying to find a way to fit into context for people who maybe don’t know the play that well. I think it might be impossible. The joke is essentially taking a line from the play and changing it around to make it funny.

The line is “He thought I said blue roses but I said I have pleurosis

The joke is, “He thought I said blue roses but I said I have lyme disease” or any other disease that sounds nothing like pleurosis. This is only funny if you know the show and it may not even be funny then. I think it’s hilarious.

Anyway, I woke up thinking about the actual show and thought that I was having an epiphany of a revival but I wake up a lot of mornings thinking I have the best creative idea I’ve ever had only to reflect on it later and it sounds so weird. Once I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote down a skit I had just dreamt that I was actually laughing out loud about. When I woke up and re read it, it essentially boiled down to “The person keeps walking off and walking back on chewing more and more gum until they’re covered in gum.” If that makes any sense to you, you’re either fucking crazy or a comedic genius cause for the life of me I can’t remember why that’s funny.

I started reading the Glass Menagerie and it was giving me a lot of anxiety. I was really aware of the building tension and small releases that were in the script. I didn’t finish reading it but I believe I will tonight.

I realized that it was daylights savings time while still in bed and got super excited. So I used the extra hour to create a playlist on Spotify of the songs that Clear Channel deemed inappropriate to play on the radio following 9/11. I think it’s actually a pretty decent playlist. There’s some really good songs on there mixed in with like some shitty death metal that no one was listening to anyway.I feel like I’ll use it eventually

I finally got out of bed at 11 which in normal time would have been 12. Showered. And got ready to go out to Evanston to visit my friends who just had a baby girl who also happens to be my goddaughter. She is the cutest. Thank God because if she wasn’t and I had to lie about how cute she was I would have felt really uncomfortable but she is legitimately a cute baby and I don’t think I’m being biased.

Stayed there for a little while and then got in an Uber to go home. The Uber driver was great. I kinda wanted to hang out with her the rest of the day. She was from Bulgaria. She was trying to juggle organizing different family member’s schedules and telling each other where the other one was. Her son’s car had died so he was sharing with his dad. It was a crazy process. I wanted to be like “Girl, you gotta let them figure that out on their own. You can’t always be the mouthpiece” but instead I said “That’s what happens when you say you’re gonna be the one to tell someone where they…when you offer to tell one person where another person is. Then you’re telling 5 people where the others are. It’s too much.” I’m a real sage and a wordsmith. She nodded and chuckled. What I interpreted to essentially be her saying “I don’t know what the hell you just said. English is my second language you asshole.” But we recovered.

I knew we were back on track when we had the following discussion (UL = Uber Lady, J = Me)

UL: I drove down from Wisconsin yesterday and I think there’s something in the air
J: Yeah?
UL: Yeah it was the same smell down here as up there and all the way down. I think there’s something they’re not telling us
J: …What?
UL: I don’t know how to tell you what I’m saying.
J: You think there’s something in the air? Like that’s being put into the air?
UL: Yeaaaah (uncomfortable now that she’s shared this weird information) I don’t know…
(Silence, I thought about dropping it but then I was like, I will only meet this lady once)
J: Are you saying like a sewage smell?
UL: No, I don’t know how to say…
J: I know I smelled a sewage smell earlier by my apartment but that happens a lot
UL: Yeah…You know how a couple years ago the Chinese had to where the masks on their face because of the…uhhh
J: Because of SARS?
UL: Yeaaaah
On that last “Yeaaaah” she looked at me in the rearview mirror with a face that said “You see my point now right?” I still didn’t. I let it go basically inferring that this woman is living in fear that the government is pumping SARS and/or Ebola into the air and she just got a huge whiff of it on her way home from Wisconsin. I could only go so deep into her psyche, it was like a 15 min cab ride. When I exited the cab, I told her “Good luck with…everything!” and shut the door.

I went to Mariano’s for some food and stayed within budget. Then I stopped by Sears to pick up some towels. There, as I was leaving, another foreign woman stopped me to confuse me. She said “Door’s closed” pointing to the door that I was about to go through. “Oh, is it locked?” I asked, and she just stared up at me without any follow up. I pushed the door and it opened fine. “Oh OK, thank you,” she said, and I walked out. I was totally clueless as to what had just occurred or what favor I had done her.

When I got home I cleaned a bunch of stuff in a flurry. Thinking about the end game at hand which was only to do more work. Finished that. Ate a bland and tasteless fettuccine alfredo dinner, most of which I threw away. And then, here I am, deciding that I need to take at least 30 mins out of every day to write and it turned into an hour.

No need for a closing, I’m trying not to worry about form too much right now.
Toodles

An Open-Letter to Whomever Took (Stole) My iPhone Charger From My Apartment on New Year’s (With Revisions)

iphone-low-battery1

Rude

Dear Thief Perpetrator,

First and foremost, what the fuck thank you for coming to my roommate’s and I’s New Year’s soiree. It went off without a hitch except for the part where you just couldn’t keep your grubby little hands off my shit and was truly marvelous. We could have done without you not have pulled it off without all of our amazing friends to help ring in the new year and your presence was greatly abhored appreciated. I hope to never see you again except in the lower reaches of Hell at any future get-togethers that have now been tarnished by your reprehensible actions we may have in the future. This entire paragraph is a lie.

Unfortunately, as you are absolutely probably already aware there was an incident that has left a major tiny stain on the evenings festivities. When I awoke the next morning sideways on my bed fully clothed including shoes and glasses in a slight fog due to the indulgences of the evening I began cleaning shit taking inventory of our household items making sure shit wasn’t STOLEN everything was accounted for. After tearing my room apart like an idiot searching high and low through our apartment, it was to my absolute bristling rage dismay that I could not locate my phone’s charger. 

Now coward dear perpetrator, I must say, like, come on dude I suppose I could see this as a compliment I absolutely could not. While I may look like a charitable aristoc(r)at who indulges in only the finest amenities you clearly did not go in my room I must confess I certainly am poor; I went grocery shopping at Dollar Tree today. Do you know what they sell there? What I can only assume is horse meat and dog food. Oh and Top Ramen. That’s what’s going into my body this week. I’ll have a dead phone and a digestive tract that’s comparable to a garbage chute in a puppy mill beneath a dingy looking Mom and Pop Chinese food place am not.

Now let’s be honest for once in your life we’ve all had moments of absent-mindedness I mean I’ve never “absent-mindedly” stolen a phone charger. I accidentally left the store without paying for my milk once. It’s super easy with those self-checkouts so who’s to cast the first stone? Me, hopefully. I myself have taken things from parties before like beer. Like the beer that they provided for us for the party and I took some for the road. La dee fricken dah so perhaps this is karma finally catching up to me doubt it.

Now listen punk, I don’t know what your fucking problem is but you’re a real douche bag for taking something like that out of my apartment that I let you into and gave you food and booze and music and friendship for free and then you have the gall to think it’s okay to just grab and go with an item of pretty great value. I don’t know where you get off thinking you needed that more than I do. First off, you’re not fucking Robin Hood. Second of all, you don’t. You don’t need it more than I do. Even if you don’t have one, I don’t care. I will always need MY thing more than YOU need MY thing. Because it’s MINE. I hope you and your sticky fingers are able to sleep at night knowing that I now have to sacrifice part of my paycheck that I have very little to freely distribute to places unneeded to buy an item that I ALREADY OWNED AND HAD NO INTENTION OF REPLACING ANYTIME SOON you piece of shit. 

I would like to implore you to find it within your heart of hearts to kindly return this item to me in any way possible and we will be able to put this whole thing behind us. If you want to mail it to me anonymously, send it through a friend, send it through yourself and then say it was through a friend, that would all be perfectly adequate and absolutely splendid. I would be most pleased at your act of contrition that I would be likely to put it straight out of my head for good.

Thank you for reading you’re the worst. If I do never hear from you suck a million I wish nothing but the best for you in all your future endeavors like sucking a million but I must say that if you do not own up to this, I must say you are quite an imbecile that’ll do.

Sincerely Yours,

Jordan C. Goetz

PS. Seriously, if you took my phone charger or know who took my phone charger and happen to be reading this, it would be greatly appreciated if you could give it back to me. I’d really rather not have to waste money on another one as that was the only one I have. Thanks a bunch

2014: #BeYourWorst

2013 had a lot more going for it than I gave it credit for. I maintained the same job for the entire year, I got a promotion (more than once if I’m giving myself the credit for some smaller ones), I moved (twice and not to mention into Chicago which was a pretty big move in the scheme of things), I met a whole bunch of new people, the list goes on an on. On the outside, 2013 had a lot of movement.

Unfortunately, I don’t feel the same way about how it went on the inside. I personally feel I spent a lot of time backsliding in 2013. I got scared a lot, I hid sometimes, I ran away others. I told myself a lot of bad things about myself that I then would spend many wasted hours trying to convince myself weren’t true, most of the time trying to slyly gain validation from others hoping they wouldn’t notice. I compared myself against others. I got down on myself. I told myself I never would do a lot of things even if I’ve done them in the past. I gave myself excuses. I worried about outside opinions and spent many conversations afraid to speak for fear of the judgement or harsh looks I might get because I spoke my mind. All of this kinda sucked a lot.

A few weeks ago, I went out with a friend to an ice skating rink. I’d never been ice skating and it was something I’d always wanted to do so after suppressing my anxiety about the rink not having skates that were big enough for my giant feet and also the fear of someone slicing me with their ice blade (these are all legit fears as far as I’m concerned) I went. When I got on the ice, it felt great. It felt great to be doing something I’d always wanted to do. It felt great to be doing something new. It also felt great to be doing something physical because DAMN ice skating is a workout.

I went around the rink a few times, slowly , afraid that I was gonna snap my “extremely weaker than I ever knew they were” ankles. I became pretty proud of myself for not falling but also was getting frustrated noticing the amount of people easily racing by me like it wasn’t even a problem. After being on the ice for a while, I noticed my friend chuckled at me. I asked her what she was laughing at, “Watching you skate is just kinda funny.”
“Why?”
“You gotta take bigger strides. You can’t be afraid to fall down.”
At the time I took this with not so much thought,. I WAS afraid of falling and I didn’t see anything wrong with that. Pain is like, public enemy Number 1 as far as I’m concerned and all I could see in my mind’s eye was cracking my head open on the ice or fracturing a wrist when trying to break my fall
YOU pay for the hospital bill then,” I thought to myself and probably laughed it off. However, as I thought about what she said more and more the words started to resonate with me.

I have a huge hang up when it comes to doing things that I’m afraid I won’t be good at. It usually manifests itself most in the things that I desire to do the most. If I’m not going to perform well at it (sometimes if I’m not gonna be perfect at it) I stop myself from doing it. This leaves me living in an endless loop of a fantasy that I replay over and over in my mind practicing and practicing at something but not physically doing it but imagining myself doing it over and over again. This, my friends, is sick. This is how crazy people think.
And of course, it all comes from a place of being afraid to fail.

Ice skating became a pretty apt metaphor for my life at the moment. It, of course,  shouldn’t be downplayed at all, I was doing something I’d never done before so I have to give myself credit for that. AND I didn’t fall at all which was great too. But my friend was right, I was taking very itty-bitty strides to guarantee I would’t fall on my ass. And those itty-bitty strides were the same thing that were stopping me from keeping up with the same people who were whizzing past me.I began to think that this was how I felt about the past year as a whole. There was a lot going on, a lot of movement, a lot of new things happening but I wasn’t fully throwing myself into them. I moved into a new city, but only took small amounts of time to explore it spending the rest of the time playing it safe at the same spots with the same people or vegging out in my apartment. I met new people, but threw up a lot of boundaries afraid of letting anyone in too fast or, even worse, caring that they wouldn’t like me for being myself. I spent the whole year taking little strides forward afraid to fall and getting frustrated at all the people I saw as moving faster than me.

I thought about this a lot. It was something I think I already knew but just wasn’t making the right connection in my head. Not to mention, the fact that it was probably evident to people around me became clear too and I didn’t like the way that felt.

I like to give every new year a theme. I dubbed 2011 “The Year of Crazy” which I still hold that it was, not only for me but for the world as a whole (take a look at some of the news stories that year and tell me I’m wrong.).
I called 2012 “The Year of Change” which it DEFINITELY came to be for me, losing a bunch of weight and moving to San Diego for a stint (something that was of extraordinary value.)
2013 was the “Year of Stability” which in some ways it was. I’ve stopped drifting back and forth from different places and back to my parent’s house and have made a pretty firm decision to do whatever it takes to stay in Chicago for a while which, 2 years ago I would have never believed.

After reflecting over the past year (ice skating incident included) I’ve decided that my theme for 2014 is “Be Your Worst.”
I’ve told some people this and have been met with mixed reviews. I’ve received some pretty strong opinions which was a pleasant surprise. Some people laughing thinking it’s a joke, others thinking it’s ridiculous heavily arguing against it, and one incident I recall included someone telling me they were afraid of being their worst because of what it might mean for the safety of others. I’ve taken a lot of joy from people taking these words and interpreting them for themselves.

Here’s what it means to me:
I spend a lot of time telling myself to be my best or try my best and it only leaves me stuck. It puts me back inside my head in that endless looping alternate reality where I’m great at everything that I want to be great at but never manifesting itself to be true. I might as well be living in a dream. I end up telling myself, “Well, if I’m not gonna be my best at it then I can’t do it.” I create such an intricate fantasy of doing well that I can’t even begin to fathom the reality of the opposite. Failure.

So, I’ll flip it. I’ll strive to be my worst. Now, this doesn’t mean I’m going to be actively trying to be horrible at things. This isn’t about negativity. But it eradicates the fear of not doing my best. It erases that alternate reality in my head where failing doesn’t exist. If I’m being my worst, the idea of failure is always a real possibility but it loses it’s power. If I try something and I’m terrible at it then I succeeded.
Those times when I’m afraid to say something for fear of judgement: #BEYOURWORST
For fear of offending but at the same time sacrificing your own voice: #BEYOURWORST
For fear of others thinking you’re being dumb or ridiculous or ignorant: #BEYOURWORST
For fear of people not understanding: #BEYOURWORST
For fear of not being your best: #BEYOURWORST

I don’t expect everyone to understand or agree with what I’m saying but goddamn if that’s not the point. This makes sense to me and in my head and that’s all that matters.

However you wanna twist it, say, repeat it, reverse it; I wish everyone a year without fear and the ability to express yourself freely without filtering.

#BEYOURWORST

Woof

I don’t crush very often but when 
I do I crush hard

There aren’t a lot of butterflies in my stomach
Or flushed faces when you brush my hand 
But more of an urge that rests deep inside my body
Ready to burst at even the slightest
Inclination that you and I are meant to be together
If even only for just one night at a time

It’s hard for me to want to give you anything
Unless it’s all of me at once 
Without any ceasing 
Or interruptions
Or breaks 
And if you refuse the gift
I have no choice but to thrust 
It upon you by force over and
Over again until you smile and say
That’s just the way you wanted it
The entire time

You’re a sick little freak
You push me back and forth
Thinking I’m not paying attention to the
Way you twist inside of my mind but
I do
Oh believe me I do
And when I get the guts to 
Twist that same shit around on you
You better believe you won’t even see that
You had another thing coming
And coming
And coming again until you 
Beg me to put you out of your
Misery by granting you the 
Release that you’ve been craving since
The second you laid your eyes into mine

———————————————————————-

I had some feelings
And some wine
And that’s what came out. 
Last night I started writing a few paragraphs about love and relationships. It only made me realize that I struggle to write about those things. 
Lust though. Lust runs through my fingertips at the drop of a hat. 

Thanks life.